BoundarieS
Living in the 21st century you have come across the term, “boundaries” . It seems to be that this elusive catch-all somehow encompasses both a way to stand up for yourself and a foundation for how to finally start being treated by others the way you would like to be. However, when it comes time to set a “boundary” you may be left scratching your head as to what exactly it is and how to find the boundaries that may best serve your own life. Here are a couple tips on what a boundary is and how to find yours!
What is a Boundary?
Here is an example of a scenario the average person would most likely deem as setting a boundary: Susan’s teenage daughter yells at her when she is upset. Susan sends her to her room to demonstrate that she will not be spoken to that way. But, there are a couple problems that lie within even this most basic example. In our minds, we tend to assess the consequence for the other person as the act of setting the boundary “Susan’s daughter goes to her room” but the real boundary lies within how we ourselves choose to react, not the subsequent “consequence" set for the other person.
Here is another example to clarify: Susan’s daughter yells at her when she is upset. Susan then sets a boundary by letting her daughter know that she will not be engaging in conversation with her while she cannot control the volume or tone of her voice and that she is no longer participating in the conversation until her teen can do so. Susan then walks away.
The difference in these examples isn’t whether Susan’s daughter is sent to her room or not but more so in that the focus now lies on how Susan is choosing to react rather than what consequence she is enforcing for the other person. By taking ownership of her own actions, Susan is actually empowering herself to create boundaries that she is capable of following through on because she is acknowledging the universal truth that the only person’s behavior we can truly control is our own.
Here is a second example to help clarify this point even further: John feels overwhelmed by how much his family asks of him. It seems like every time he receives a call from a family member he can bank on a requested favor. John has tried to communicate his feelings already. He has told his family that he is feeling overwhelmed. He has even said that it feels like they ask him for a lot of favors but still nothing has changed. His feelings are hurt because it feels like his family are ignoring his needs and that they just don’t care!
Here is how John can find and set a boundary: first he can analyze what it is he actually has to give to his family. Does he want to help a lot, a little, or none at all? Second, after he decides he would like to help some then he can peacefully identify what that kind of help looks like. John is comfortable taking his mom to the grocery store on Sundays as he goes there anyways and it is nice to catch up! But, he is not comfortable loaning his brother money or being the only one to take his father to lengthy doctors appointments. Third, once John has identified what kind of help he has to offer he can then approach his family from a place of confidence and simply tell them what it is he is comfortable with. This could look like, “Hi family, I just wanted to let you all know that I have thought about it and decided that I would be happy to continue taking mom to the store on Sundays and taking Dad to two doctors appointments a month but no more than that. Also, I wanted to clarify that I am unable to help out others financially at this time and if you ask me, please understand that my answer will be “no.” John has now successfully set a boundary with his family and any reactions they may have to this are theirs alone to deal with.
What are My Boundaries?
Now that we have identified some examples of what a boundary is and how to set them, let's move onto some tips on how we can identify the boundaries that are needed in an individual's life. A good place to start is by taking note of your physical body because chances are long before your mind may consciously realize that a recurring conversation, interaction or person is upsetting to you, your body will identify the trigger. Maybe your chest tightens every time you see that one friend call or you feel your blood pressure rise as your boss steps into your office. Your partner’s football team loses and you feel a sense of dread creep up your spine… These are all physical manifestations of the rising anxiety we can feel when someone is crossing our boundaries.
Another tip is to look for a recurring conflict in your life. Maybe you and your partner keep having the same fight about the division of housework. Oftentimes, recurring conflicts stem from our own inability to create the boundaries that we need to function comfortably and to not emotionally overexert ourselves.
Lastly, the most helpful method to identify and stay accountable in creating and following through with boundaries is to work with a therapist that can offer professional insight into where and how you may best benefit from boundaries in your life.
Author Henry Cloud once said, “Boundaries are (basically) about providing structure, and structure is essential in building anything that thrives.” Creating personal boundaries in your life empowers you to build a strong foundation of being able to control how you react to stressful events and relationships in life. There will always be people and circumstances that try and push beyond what is comfortable for you but by being able to identify and set boundaries you will still be able to thrive. Remember that this skill is both achievable and necessary for everyone. Healthy boundaries are essential in your journey towards developing a lifestyle that prioritizes and honors your own health!
Additional resources on the topic of Boundaries:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab